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#1 |
Grand Sorcerer
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MobileRead Short Story Anthology - [DISCUSSION & REVIEW]
Hi,
Welcome to the discussion thread ![]() Over here, the short stories can be discussed and reviewed, so the other thread can be used for organizational purposes. |
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#2 |
Grand Sorcerer
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Now stickied. Title made a bit more prominent.
Don (Moderator) Last edited by Dr. Drib; 03-06-2014 at 07:24 AM. |
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#3 |
cacoethes scribendi
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arjaybe's story
Annie the Dreamer is a rather disturbing tale. I did like that you managed to convey that feeling without needing to be too explicit. I liked the jazz, and the raven, I think these worked well with the scenes. But (there's always a but
![]() I found myself floundering a bit through the early paragraphs. It got a bit better when I reached the jazz, but my interest was really only raised when the raven landed. So I think the first third/half of it needs to be smoothed out - and maybe re-ordered a bit. I wonder, if you're going to open with hanging up the telephone, whether you can make more of that as a way of providing the background information - rather than as a direct recital. Touching the rings on her fingers was a potentially good element, but I think your story may need a bit more room (be a bit longer) for the effect to come through. It could just be that I like stories to be a bit longer. The confrontation scene felt a little forced, but not too bad. But it did feel a bit sudden (I guess it was supposed to be), and too short. I think there is room here to increase the tension by expanding the scene - not necessarily with more action/violence, but with more lead in (scene and tension building) to the actual confrontation. I did like the way you concluded the story, though - again - I wonder if a bit more meat on what came earlier may give the ending some added depth. Spoiler:
This should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway: The above is all just my personal reaction to the story, offered because that's what we're here for. Take whatever parts of it seem useful to you, and ignore the rest. |
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#4 |
Wizard
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Annie the Dreamer
I also read Annie the Dreamer this morning; as you say, quite a disturbing tale, but I was drawn through the story nicely and it's memorable. I was thinking about it for quite a while after reading it as with a little rework I think it could pack even more 'punch'.
I'll put my comments in spoiler tags as they're specific to plot elements. I recommend that if you've not read the story yet, please do so before opening this spoiler: Spoiler:
Graham |
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#5 |
Wizard
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Annie the Dreamer - POV character
In Annie the Dreamer, there is one paragraph where the point of view shifts from being in Annie's head to being inside someone else's:
Spoiler:
Did this bother anyone else? How do you feel about point of view switches like this, generally? Graham |
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#6 |
Zealot
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Nice going guys. Pls don't forget about me though.
![]() Last edited by mrmarlowe; 03-06-2014 at 01:23 PM. |
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#7 |
Wizard
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I think we're trying to be respectful and not talk about things until we have a definite go ahead. I see your story is v1.0, so it should be free to discuss, but I think we're just being careful. I've read it, but I'm hesitating. I've also read Graham's story, but he's requested no comments until v1.0.
Am I being too cautious? Jim |
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#8 |
Wizard
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Annie the Dreamer
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I'm going to digest them before making any changes. Both reviewers so far have mentioned the first few paragraphs being confusing, and the rings being underexposed.
As I told Graham in a PM, I think of this story as being like a quick slash of a knife, so I'm reluctant to expand it too much. Expect me to chisel away at the points you mentioned, though.-) Jim |
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#9 |
Grand Sorcerer
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No, I think you're doing fine. I've posted version 0.1 myself, but the story is not even finished. It's at (I estimate) 40%. I planned four acts; there are two now, and still have two more to go. (One very short act crept in between the two longer ones
![]() You could read it, but you might be surprised to see some names changing. For this story I'm using names derived from Greek ones, but a name I thought to be Greek, suddenly turned out to be Gaelic. (I shelved it for possible use in another story, that would be in the same world, but not in the same country; that story will indeed have Gaelic names.) If there is one thing I don't like in many fantasy stories, then it's inconsistent names. (I'm looking at YOU, Terry Brooks.) If you can have an Elf and a Gnome switch names without seeing anything out of place, then you're not doing it right. (IMHO.) Tonight I'll read the posted stories, and comment on the 1.0's tomorrow. Last edited by Katsunami; 03-06-2014 at 03:38 PM. |
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#10 |
Wizard
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When My Father Died
@mrmarlowe
Since you've updated to v1.1, I'll assume you're open for comments.-) I see a story here, but I had trouble getting into it. The story feels disjointed. I get the feeling that you wanted to make sure to get the ideas down, but the result is a bit scattered. In one sentence I first thought you were living in one room, before learning that there was at least one other room, where a light was left on. Some questions: 1. What contracts? You mentioned contracts and never got back to them. 2. Why was he clattering utensils? Was he a cook? I think this story can work, with work. Jim Spoiler:
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#11 |
cacoethes scribendi
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#12 | ||
cacoethes scribendi
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Quote:
Spoiler:
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I think this story perhaps exaggerates the problem because only the first two paragraphs feel omniscient, after that it does seem that Annie is the only POV for a long time. In such a short story it will probably be better to either keep Annie as the only POV, or to give the reader more regular reminders that the narrator is omniscient. |
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#13 |
Wizard
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Vera's Itch
@gmw
I already said how the story felt cohesive to me. Now some specifics. In the third paragraph the phrase containing, "first of the evening" should go with the first sentence, rather than the second. I noticed a few sentences containing two topics. Knocks me out of the story. You changed tense in the paragraph beginning, "I got a thing for the fifties." Twice. There's more tense switching elsewhere, too. The reference to doormen is appropriate, given the fifties mood, but it seems out of place the way it's done. "presumptive" should be "presumptuous." You paced the drinking of the whiskey and its effects well. She discovers (we discover) about the first night effect too easily. It makes it look as if you're just telling us that. Jim Spoiler:
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#14 | |||
cacoethes scribendi
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Quote:
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Spoiler:
Last edited by gmw; 03-07-2014 at 01:09 AM. |
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#15 | |
Zealot
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![]() Looking forward to others' feedback here, and YES, I am open to comments. ![]() |
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