Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Wetdogeared]

Hi all, a little levity always brightens the day. Read/Add a joke that will make us laugh, or at least think a bit.

Watch the language. I'll start us off with this one:

Subject: It's a Canadian classic folks !!!!!

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the f------ SALT TRUCK......."

[lilac_jive]

AGHAHAHAHHA that is awesome!

[zelda_pinwheel]

the SALT TRUCK !!! hahahaha !!!



i'm going to send that to my cousin in canada, she loves jokes too.

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

[Madam Broshkina]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

[lilac_jive]

Originally Posted by Madam Broshkina

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

I've heard that one before, it always makes me chuckle

[Madam Broshkina]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

[Wetdogeared]

He're another one (no offence to students) WDE.

Painting the Porch

A student, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire himself out as a 'handy-man' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for him to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the student quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told him that the paint brushes and everything he would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does he realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those stories of student pranksters we've been hearing about on the news lately.'
Later that day, the student came to the door to collect his money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the student replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to him along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the student added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[carandol]

My favourite joke of all time, I don't know why, is:

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

[xianfox]

Here in Wisconsin, Green Bay Packers fans are more than a little disappointed at the lack-luster season:


Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A. The Green Bay Packers.



Q. What do the Green Bay Packers and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.



Q. How do you keep the Green Bay Packers out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal post.



Q. What's the difference between the Green Bay Packers and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.



And a news item from a few weeks ago:

Green Bay Packers football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach, Mike McCarthy, immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[RickyMaveety]

Loved the Green Bay jokes, hate (hate, hate) blond jokes generally and on principle (being a person of that persuasion naturally), loved the religious jokes.

Sad thing is, I probably won't remember most of them. I have a bad memory for jokes.

[MickeyC]

Guy goes to his barber shop for a haircut.

“What are you squirming around so much for?”, his barber asks

“My wife and I are going on vacation tomorrow and I’m excited”, relies the customer

“Where you going?”, asks the barber

“Italy”, says the customer

“Italy?” responds the barber, “Italy…cripes. Unbearably hot, expensive, arrogant people. How you getting there?”

“Um, TWA”, answers the customer

“Oh yeah, TWA, The Worst Airline! It’ll be crowded, you’ll be jammed into coach. “

“Where you staying?”

“Uh, the Rome Hilton” stammers the customer

“Cripes, that’s the worst hotel! No views, it’s expensive and the staff is arrogant. And what do you think you’re going to do in Rome anyway?”

“Well, we want to visit Vatican City and I was hoping to meet the Pope” answers the customer

“Yeah, right! Here’s how that’ll work: You’re on one side of Vatican Square and over on the other, up on a balcony about the size of a flea, stands the pope. Yeah, you’ll meet the Pope!”

So, dejected, the guy leaves the barbershop. Three weeks later, he’s back for another haircut.

“Well how was Italy?” asks the barber

“Man, it was great. The weather was perfect, food excellent and Italians have to be the friendliest people on earth.”, the customer tells him

“Yeah, well how was that TWA flight?”

“Oh, let me tell you, it was oversold and we got bumped up to First Class. So, it was sip Champagne and nibble toast points all the way to Rome”

“Hmmm”, responds the barber “Well, how was that Hilton ?”

“Oh, man what a great deal we got! They just opened a new wing and we were the first guests to stay in it so they comp-ed it to us, no charge. And it had a magnificent view of the Tiber and the Hills of Rome and the staff couldn’t have been nicer.”

“Well” grumps the barber “how about the Pope. Meet him did ya? Ha, ha”

“Well, let me tell you what happened. I’m walking through the Vatican when one of the guards comes up to me. ‘Scuzie Signore’, he says to me ‘you know the Pope, the Papa? Well every day he sends us, the Vatican Guards out to pick one tourist at random to meet the Pope. So, I’ma picking you. So, you want to go meet the Pope or what?’ the guard asks me

“Wait a minute” says the barber incredulously “Are you telling me you had a one-on-one with the Pope?’

“Yeah,” says the customer “I sure did”

“Well” stammers the barber “what did he say?”

“Well” answers the customer “he looked me right in the eye and said ‘Where’d you get the shitty haircut!”

[RWood]

The widow said, "But I called a comic as soon as he had chest pains, but it was too late." Thus proving that humor is not always the best med

[nohmi2]

Originally Posted by RickyMaveety

Loved the Green Bay jokes, hate (hate, hate) blond jokes generally and on principle (being a person of that persuasion naturally), loved the religious jokes.

Sad thing is, I probably won't remember most of them. I have a bad memory for jokes.

I also love religious jokes.
Here's one.

Renee is a very caring lady who spends a lot of her spare time visiting and helping sick members of her synagogue. Her car is also well known in the community because it’s decorated all over with lots of Hebrew decals and bumper stickers showing the Jewish charities she helps.


One day, as she is driving to one of the care homes she regularly visits, her car runs out of petrol and splutters to a stop. "Oy veh," she says to herself, "and just when I’m late."
Fortunately, she notices a petrol station only a few hundred yards away, so she walks to the station to get help. "Hi," Renee says to the man behind the till, "I’ve run out of petrol and I’m hoping you can lend me your petrol can. I’ll pay you for the petrol I use and I’ll return your can as quickly as possible."
The attendant replies, "I’m sorry, lady, but I’ve lent out my one and only can not more than 5 minutes ago. I’m expecting it back in about half an hour, so if you want, you can wait here for it."


But as she’s behind schedule, Renee goes back to her car to find something that she could use to fill with petrol. Then, what mazel (luck), she notices the bedpan she always keeps handy in case of patient need. So she takes the bedpan to the petrol station, fills it and carries it back to her car.


Two men are passing by and watch her pour in the petrol. One turns to the other and says, "If that car starts, I'm turning Jewish."