blurb feedback for humorous thriller

[Gregg Bell]

It's a Stephanie Plum-type humorous thriller called: The IWS Rule: Book One: Rise of the Animal Rescue Feminists.

Thanks!

Traci Matthews is no doughnut-eating bounty hunter. She’s a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Traci’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group, and she’s dedicated her life to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s five million dogs and planning on selling them to China to be used as lunchmeat. This is clearly unacceptable to Traci and the IWS. But in her enthusiasm to stop Donovan, Traci again kills quite a lot of men (not to mention the property damage she causes), making her a target for Donovan’s retaliation and alienating law enforcement and government agencies, which don’t accept her vigilantism. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Traci feels the men she kills always deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to stop Donovan and save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Traci stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?

[Lazer]

I think it's too much of a spoiler. It may be too long.

But you're getting a response from someone that hates blurb writing. I find it harder than writing the damn book.

Tony

[gmw]

I am inclined to agree with Lazer - both that it may be too long and, especially, that I hate writing blurbs. But maybe not so much about it being too much of a spoiler - but this is an area where tastes vary widely, some people like to know more rather than less (and vice versa).

They say that we must face our fears, so with that goal in mind, I have taken the liberty of trying to edit your blurb back to what appears (to me) to be the essentials (while trying not to lose the feel of it):


Traci Matthews is the whiskey-drinking hard-living head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group. She has just one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

The nefarious misogynist Donovan has taken his evil to a new level — systematically stealing Chicago’s five million dogs to be sold as lunchmeat. In her enthusiasm to stop Donovan, Traci causes widespread damage, not to mention deaths, making her a target for Donovan’s retaliation and alienating law enforcement agencies. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Traci feels the men always deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to stop Donovan and save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Traci stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


(That's 189 words cut back to 130, but - I think - still covers all the same bases as the original. Note: This is me experimenting - if I can learn to see it in others then maybe I can learn to do it for myself - so take it with several helpings of salt.)

[BookCat]

I agree with the other comments. It contains too much information and repetition. You need to give the potential reader a taste of what may be inside your book, not the whole plot.
I think:

Traci Matthews is no doughnut-eating bounty hunter. She’s a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

could be enough to make me want to read this, coupled with the title.

The rest is waffle and tells me what I want to read in the book, not on the 'cover'.
If you must say more, use a cut-down version of gmw's offering which I think is still too long, but much better than the original.

[Gregg Bell]

Thanks Tony, gmw, BookCat. I'm cutting it down and it looks MUCH better. Appreciate it.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks Tony, gmw, BookCat. I'm cutting it down and it looks MUCH better. Appreciate it.

I'm with Bookcat. Love that. Don't love the rest (of the blurb), it's TMI.

Hitch

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Hitch

I'm with Bookcat. Love that. Don't love the rest (of the blurb), it's TMI.

Hitch

thanks Hitch