11-12-2011, 12:40 PM | #1 |
Wizard
Posts: 3,418
Karma: 35207650
Join Date: Jun 2011
Device: iPad
|
Wording help requested :)
Okay setting.. this dude, lets call him Bill cause that is what his mother named him, this dude Bill is middle aged, somewhat of a redneck and a war vet. He is very rough around the edges, and is currently serving in the navy. He has been promoted up the chain of command over the years and now has to do some public speaking (press events and the like) to give updates to the people about the current war. To help with this an aid has been assigned to him to work on his image, and handle the media relations. This aid has pretty much an impossible job.
The line below comes from a scene in a bar where the aid is carefully explaining to Bill that it probably was not the best idea to be drinking in the bar before his next interview. Bill is thinking to himself about the poor aid... " I really felt bad for him. His job was to take a crusty flight jock and make him a shiny clean public figure. " That just is not working... but not sure how to word it. Bill is having a minor epiphany here and that does not seem to capture it. Any suggestions? |
11-12-2011, 05:07 PM | #2 |
Guru
Posts: 766
Karma: 4837659
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: San Angelo Texas
Device: Samsung Galaxy tab
|
"I really feel bad for him. He's supposed to make a polished public figure from me, but I don't think I polish very well. I'm just a crusty, old, flight jock who says what he wants. Usually gets me in trouble, too."
Is this supposed to be past tense, or present? Is this any better? |
Advert | |
|
11-12-2011, 06:58 PM | #3 |
Living in the past
Posts: 432
Karma: 6011289
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Toronto
Device: Kobo Aura HD, Kobo Arc
|
How about:
"The guy had a shitty job, commanded to take a crusty flight jock and shine him up into clean public figure. I felt bad for him." |
11-13-2011, 01:54 PM | #4 |
Cozy Bumpkin Stories
Posts: 66
Karma: 351904
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sprague River, Oregon
Device: none
|
Bill might think feelings, but I don't think he's gonna think about feelings. I would leave out the "I felt …"
|
11-13-2011, 02:03 PM | #5 |
Evangelist
Posts: 438
Karma: 3409790
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Maui
Device: kindle
|
" I really felt bad for him. His job was to take a crusty old flight jock and turn him into a smooth, pristine public figure. "
|
Advert | |
|
11-14-2011, 12:38 PM | #6 |
Grand Sorcerer
Posts: 8,478
Karma: 5171130
Join Date: Jan 2006
Device: none
|
"I really felt bad for him. His job was to make me presentable... about like polishing a turd."
|
11-14-2011, 03:53 PM | #7 |
Feral Underclass
Posts: 3,622
Karma: 26821535
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Yorkshire, tha noz
Device: 2nd hand paperback
|
Unless he was some wuss he wouldn't think anything like that while he was drinking. At best he might think it the next morning when he's got a hangover.
|
11-14-2011, 03:56 PM | #8 | |
Grand Sorcerer
Posts: 8,478
Karma: 5171130
Join Date: Jan 2006
Device: none
|
Quote:
Yes, if he's already 3 sheets to the wind, his response would more likely be "F*ck'n kid." |
|
11-14-2011, 03:57 PM | #9 |
Not scared!
Posts: 13,424
Karma: 81011643
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midlands, UK
Device: Kindle Paperwhite 10, Huawei M5 10
|
You might want to spell 'aide' correctly as well
|
11-14-2011, 09:07 PM | #10 |
Wizard
Posts: 3,418
Karma: 35207650
Join Date: Jun 2011
Device: iPad
|
|
11-14-2011, 09:12 PM | #11 | |
Wizard
Posts: 3,418
Karma: 35207650
Join Date: Jun 2011
Device: iPad
|
Quote:
|
|
11-14-2011, 09:15 PM | #12 |
Wizard
Posts: 3,418
Karma: 35207650
Join Date: Jun 2011
Device: iPad
|
|
11-14-2011, 09:24 PM | #13 | ||||
Wizard
Posts: 3,418
Karma: 35207650
Join Date: Jun 2011
Device: iPad
|
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
"The poor kid was just trying to do his job, which was take an crusty old pilot who had a bad habit of speaking his mind and making a polished public figure out of him." (did not think of casting him as "young" but compared to Bill he probably is) How does that read? |
||||
11-14-2011, 11:23 PM | #14 | |
Sith Wannabe
Posts: 2,034
Karma: 8017430
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: I'm not sure... it's kind of dark.
Device: Galaxy Note 4, Kobo Aura H2O, Kindle Fire HD, Aluratek Libre
|
Quote:
In my head it flows better that way, take and make instead of take and making. |
|
11-15-2011, 12:05 PM | #15 |
Wizard
Posts: 2,230
Karma: 7145404
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Southern California
Device: Kindle Voyage & iPhone 7+
|
"wouldn't want to be in his shoes" is another possibility to avoid "feel bad for him." As Native mentioned, I'm thinking the crusty flight jock just wouldn't use that "feel" word when talking about another person.
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Copyright wording | AlexBell | General Discussions | 10 | 04-10-2011 06:16 AM |
Removing Headers help requested | Arainais | Calibre | 9 | 01-16-2011 05:03 PM |
Saving Cover/Metadata: some confusion about option wording | mfaine | Calibre | 1 | 12-25-2010 12:03 PM |
Seriously thoughtful Coding Help Requested | poohbear_nc | Lounge | 10 | 08-24-2010 10:42 AM |
Help requested for reader library | sheflen | ePub | 2 | 01-29-2010 05:51 PM |