Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she began, “what shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boyfriend?” Paul replied.

[DNSB]

What do you call a ruler, protractor and a compass all hanging out together?

Spoiler:

Weapons of math instruction.

[drjd]

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

[DNSB]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

[guanaco]

A Frenchman is walking down the Champs Elysées when he hears a couple of foreigners speaking French with such a horrible accent and with such grammatical errors that he can't help but approach them and say:
- Hey, where are you from to commit such an atrocity with my language?
- We are both from Finland.
- And then, why don't you speak in your native language?
- It is much more difficult than French.

[DNSB]

I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Last New Year’s Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadn’t come, so I figured I’d likely missed it.

I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, “Sir, how long have you been waiting?”

He looked at his watch and said, “Since last year.”

[drjd]

A sailor was swallowed by a whale and lived to tell the tale.

When asked by a reporter what the scariest part was he answered, "The graffiti... someone wrote 'Pinocchio was here.'"

[drjd]

Patient: Doctor, I have a tendency to gain weight in certain places. What would you recommend?

Doctor: Stay out of those places!

[LinuxArie]

What do you call a dog without legs?
What ever you want. Bastard ain't chasing you

[DNSB]

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”

[DNSB]

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” says one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver, either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[guanaco]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

[drjd]

An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting room.

A nurse walks out of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of you came first?”

“Seriously!” shouts the chicken. ”Here, too?!”

[DNSB]

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[drjd]

What exactly is junk?

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.