Unutterably Silly Terrible Jokes

[ownedbycats]

When there's two doctors in a room, you have a paradox.

[DNSB]

Here’s an ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”

[DNSB]

A young man recently came to the clinic for an MRI and was put into the machine by an equally young, blond technologist. When the examination was complete, he was removed from the MRI machine and greeted by a middle-aged, dark-haired tech.

“Whoa!” the patient exclaimed. “How long was I in there?”

[ownedbycats]

A wig shop got robbed. I hear they're looking into replacing all the locks.

[DNSB]

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

[ownedbycats]

A ship with a cargo of cans of red and black paint ran aground. The entire crew was marooned.

[DNSB]

I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

[ownedbycats]

When is a door not a door?

When it's a jar.

[DNSB]

Gary Hill and his new wife, Joann, were vacationing in Europe -- as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard.

Gary could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skidded wildly! Gary attempted to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerved on the wet pavement and crashed into a tree.

Moments later, Gary shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his new wife unconscious, her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Gary knew he had to carry her and find the nearest phone. Gary carefully picked up his wife and began trudging down the road.

After a short while, he saw a light. He headed toward the light, which was coming from a big old house. He approached the door and knocked.

A minute passed. A small, hunched man opened the door. Gary immediately blurted, "Hello, my name is Gary Hill and this is my wife Joann, we've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone to call for help?"
"I'm sorry" replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone, but my master is a doctor; come in and I'll get him."

Gary carried his wife into the house. An elegant looking man, dressed completely in black, came down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you -- I'm not a medical doctor. I'm a scientist.", he said. "However, since it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training, I'll see what I can do."
"Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picked Joann up and carried her downstairs, with Gary following closely behind. Igor placed Joann on a table in the lab. At that moment Gary collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor put Gary on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looked worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare for a transfusion."

Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail......both Gary and Joann succumbed to their injuries.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his pipe organ. It is here that he has always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody filled the house.

Meanwhile, Igor was still in the lab, tidying up. As the music filled the lab, his eyes caught movement, and he noticed the fingers on Joann Hill's hands begin to twitch. Stunned, he watched as Gary's arm begins to rise! He was further amazed as Joann sat straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory, where he burst in and shouted to his master:

Spoiler:

"Master! Master! The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!

[afv011]

"Mom, what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to login on your dad's computer"
"Do you know the password?"
"Yes, I saw your dad type it, it's ******"

[ownedbycats]

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. It's a jarring experience.

[DNSB]

I found a wooden shoe in the toilet today. It was clogged.

[ownedbycats]

What do a selkie and a Ziploc bag have in common?

They're re-sealable.

[DNSB]

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked into the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

[ownedbycats]

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

There was nothing left but de-brie.