Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 381

James_Wilde · 11-30-2012, 05:59 PM

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

guanaco · 11-30-2012, 07:04 PM

In the Shaolin monastery:

Monk: Master?
Master: Tell me grasshopper.
Monk: Why a man who has intercourse with several women is called a champion, while a woman who has intercourse with several men is called a prostitute?
Master: My dear grasshopper. A key which opens several locks is a master key. A lock which is open by several keys is useless.

Fbone · 11-30-2012, 10:42 PM

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Nexutix · 12-01-2012, 05:48 AM

One more I found:

After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Fbone · 12-01-2012, 04:31 PM

At a psychiatric hospital three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "What is three times three?"

"274," he replies.

The Doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man proudly.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Quexos · 12-01-2012, 04:50 PM

LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

James_Wilde · 12-01-2012, 06:00 PM

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Iznogood · 12-01-2012, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

I prefer to use my toes for this

Stitchawl · 12-02-2012, 03:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iznogood

I prefer to use my toes for this

Not so much a preference, but I seem to use my toes in the dark to discover where the cat puked...

Stitchawl

Stitchawl · 12-02-2012, 03:29 AM

Stitchawl

amward · 12-02-2012, 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Not so much a preference, but I seem to use my toes in the dark to discover where the cat puked...

Stitchawl

That happens here too!

Hamlet53 · 12-02-2012, 10:26 AM

Kumabjorn · 12-02-2012, 10:53 AM

:thumbup:

Fbone · 12-02-2012, 04:13 PM

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

pdurrant · 12-02-2012, 06:27 PM

The Hierarchy of Power Semantics
(A story of software development)

In the beginning was the Plan and the Specification.
And the Plan was without form and the Specification it was void.
And darkness was on the face of the implementation team.
And they spake unto their leader, saying,
"It is a crock of s**t and it stinks to high heaven."

And it was the leader and it was the project head.
Now the leader spake unto the project head, saying,
"It is a crock of faeces and intolerably malodorous."

And it was the project head and it was the department manager.
Now the project head spake unto his department manager, saying,
"It is a container of excrement and its effluvium is very strong."

And it was the department manager and it was the product manager.
Now the department manager spake unto his product manager, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer of overpowering strength."

And it was the product manager and it was the marketing manager.
Now the product manager spake unto his marketing manager, saying,
"It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants and strong it is."

And it was the marketing manager and it was the area manager.
Now the marketing manager spake unto his area manager, saying,
"It promoteth growth and it is very powerful."

And it was the area manager and it was the general manager.
Now the area manager spake unto his general manager, saying,
"This powerful new product will promote the growth of the company."

And the general manager looked on the product and saw that it was good.

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11-30-2012, 05:59 PM	#5701
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

11-30-2012, 07:04 PM	#5702
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 226 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	In the Shaolin monastery: Monk: Master? Master: Tell me grasshopper. Monk: Why a man who has intercourse with several women is called a champion, while a woman who has intercourse with several men is called a prostitute? Master: My dear grasshopper. A key which opens several locks is a master key. A lock which is open by several keys is useless.

11-30-2012, 10:42 PM	#5703
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,230 Karma: 101696762 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

12-01-2012, 05:48 AM	#5704
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	One more I found: After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

12-01-2012, 04:31 PM	#5705
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,230 Karma: 101696762 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	At a psychiatric hospital three patients are up for release. The Doctor decides to give them an intelligence test. He turns to the first man and asks, "What is three times three?" "274," he replies. The Doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The Doctor turns to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man proudly. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you arrive at that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

12-01-2012, 06:00 PM	#5707
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

12-02-2012, 03:29 AM	#5710
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

12-02-2012, 10:53 AM	#5713
Kumabjorn Basculocolpic Posts: 4,356 Karma: 20181319 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle 4SO, Kindle for Android, Sony PRS-350 and PRS-T1	:thumbup:

12-02-2012, 04:13 PM	#5714
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,230 Karma: 101696762 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

12-02-2012, 06:27 PM	#5715
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 72,513 Karma: 309063598 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Voyage	The Hierarchy of Power Semantics (A story of software development) In the beginning was the Plan and the Specification. And the Plan was without form and the Specification it was void. And darkness was on the face of the implementation team. And they spake unto their leader, saying, "It is a crock of s**t and it stinks to high heaven." And it was the leader and it was the project head. Now the leader spake unto the project head, saying, "It is a crock of faeces and intolerably malodorous." And it was the project head and it was the department manager. Now the project head spake unto his department manager, saying, "It is a container of excrement and its effluvium is very strong." And it was the department manager and it was the product manager. Now the department manager spake unto his product manager, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer of overpowering strength." And it was the product manager and it was the marketing manager. Now the product manager spake unto his marketing manager, saying, "It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants and strong it is." And it was the marketing manager and it was the area manager. Now the marketing manager spake unto his area manager, saying, "It promoteth growth and it is very powerful." And it was the area manager and it was the general manager. Now the area manager spake unto his general manager, saying, "This powerful new product will promote the growth of the company." And the general manager looked on the product and saw that it was good.

12-02-2012, 10:26 AM	#5712
Hamlet53 Nameless Being