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#31 |
Wizard
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Annie the Dreamer
I've uploaded version 1.1. I think it addresses the issues, such as the POV problem.
The rings - touching them with her thumbs is an example of the stereotyped behavior often found in emotionally troubled people. The knife - just the kind of thing that might be left on the counter in such a house. The sudden violence and abandonment shows how near the edge she was. I didn't do much to the opening. Let me know if it's still confusing. I think it's better. Thanks for your help. Jim |
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#32 |
Zealot
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When My Father Died
Version 1-3 is up now. Hope it is a little better, albeit longer.
![]() Removed the quotes around 'died' so as to make it less predictable. Last edited by mrmarlowe; 03-08-2014 at 05:00 AM. |
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#33 |
Wizard
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When My Father Died
v1.3
I can see where you've made improvements. Clarify the rooms - maybe ". . . all the lights in our flat . . ." No need to mention the snuffing. Don't want to lessen the effect of the tobacco. Did he have a stroke or a heart attack? The paragraph with the book fair is unnecessarily complicated. Good to see you working on the contracts. We're learning more about the father. Good to see you using dialogue to explain things. Does the Mom go to the kitchen or her room for the rice balls (bowls)? There's more to talk about, but I want to see what the others say and avoid overloading you. Jim |
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#34 | |
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When My Father Died
Thanks Jim. V 1.4 now added. I made almost all the improvements you suggested except the book fair thing which I would like to keep 'as is' in keeping with the 'mysterious, strange' nature of dreams; but let's see what other pros have to say on that.
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#35 |
Wizard
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Planting the Flag
I've uploaded v1.0 of "Planting the Flag". I'm happy for you to comment on this one now.
I'll read through the latest versions of Jim's and Marlowe's stories this afternoon. This is fun. ![]() Graham |
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#36 | ||||
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Annie the Dreamer
Quote:
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Definitely. There’s just one more place where I tripped up a little. Spoiler:
Graham |
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#37 |
Wizard
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When My Father Died
Hi Marlowe,
Here are my comments on v1.4. I really like the added background details. Spoiler:
I hope all that helps. Again, these are, of course, just my impressions as I'm reading - so take as much or as little as makes sense to you. Graham Last edited by Graham; 03-09-2014 at 03:12 PM. |
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#38 |
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Perhaps improper to ask but could you please give it another read? I think I changed some of these you mentioned (same old version, lol). Let me know that if it is now a 'passable' story for the anthology (assuming I don't make the other changes).
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#39 | |
Wizard
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Quote:
Spoiler:
Jim BTW, I registered at your blog. Hurry up and let me in!-) Last edited by arjaybe; 03-09-2014 at 04:46 PM. |
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#40 |
Grand Sorcerer
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I'm slowly nearing the end of my story
![]() I did put in some more descriptions than I had originally planned though, because I think the reader should not be left with questions afterward (except, obviously, if a followup story is planned). Just before I post version 1.0, I'll do one pass to fix mistakes and take some things out I'm not happy with at this point: I seem to have the habit of making characters take too many deep breaths ![]() After I post version 1.0, I'll be reading the latest versions of your stories, and give comments, hoping there's still something relevant to be said ![]() |
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#41 |
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#43 |
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#44 |
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Planting the Flag
I think this is a complete story. All that's left is any tweaking you want to do.
The Mate was going to fix AND-E's arm, but you didn't give her time. The POV switches are okay. Spoiler:
Jim |
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#45 | ||
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Quote:
Spoiler:
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However, at this early stage, my feelings on this story are: Spoiler:
Graham |
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