Silliness Terrible Jokes - Page 2

DNSB · 06-02-2023, 06:31 PM

My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

ownedbycats · 06-02-2023, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

Hopefully paid leave.

DNSB · 06-03-2023, 02:45 AM

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

ownedbycats · 06-03-2023, 03:33 AM

A doctor's receptionist says "Doctor, there's a patient who says he's invisible."

The doctor responds, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

DNSB · 06-03-2023, 05:14 PM

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried “S123” several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t see what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

ownedbycats · 06-03-2023, 05:34 PM

"Doctor, everyone is ignoring me!"

"Next, please!"

DNSB · 06-03-2023, 10:14 PM

“Did you hear what happened to Mel?” one friend said to another. “He was seeing his doctor for six months because of chest pains and shortness of breath. Last week, he dropped dead from cancer.”

“That’s terrible,” says the other friend. “Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor.”

“Is he any good?”

“Good? He’s the best! If he treats you for heart problems … you’ll die of heart problems.”

ownedbycats · 06-04-2023, 06:38 PM

Why do all astronauts use a Mac?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

ownedbycats · 06-04-2023, 06:39 PM

I asked Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?"

Siri said "Yes, it is, and don't call me Shirley."

I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

afv011 · 06-04-2023, 08:43 PM

A neutron enters a bar and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "for you, no charge".

DNSB · 06-04-2023, 10:20 PM

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?" The rabbit says, "Dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

ownedbycats · 06-07-2023, 04:46 PM

My friend called me while I was being robbed at gunpoint.

I told them I was a bit held up at the moment.

DNSB · 06-07-2023, 05:08 PM

An attorney once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.

"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

j.p.s · 06-07-2023, 09:14 PM

Why did the restaurant serve eggs Benedict on a chromed dish?

Spoiler:

ownedbycats · 06-07-2023, 09:30 PM

What chord do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

06-07-2023, 09:14 PM	#29
j.p.s Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,532 Karma: 100606001 Join Date: Apr 2011 Device: pb360	Why did the restaurant serve eggs Benedict on a chromed dish? Spoiler: Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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06-02-2023, 06:31 PM	#16
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 40,603 Karma: 157444382 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

06-03-2023, 02:45 AM	#18
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 40,603 Karma: 157444382 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

06-03-2023, 03:33 AM	#19
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 9,576 Karma: 64960983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	A doctor's receptionist says "Doctor, there's a patient who says he's invisible." The doctor responds, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

06-03-2023, 05:14 PM	#20
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 40,603 Karma: 157444382 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried “S123” several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t see what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

06-03-2023, 05:34 PM	#21
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 9,576 Karma: 64960983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	"Doctor, everyone is ignoring me!" "Next, please!"

06-03-2023, 10:14 PM	#22
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 40,603 Karma: 157444382 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	“Did you hear what happened to Mel?” one friend said to another. “He was seeing his doctor for six months because of chest pains and shortness of breath. Last week, he dropped dead from cancer.” “That’s terrible,” says the other friend. “Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor.” “Is he any good?” “Good? He’s the best! If he treats you for heart problems … you’ll die of heart problems.”

06-04-2023, 06:38 PM	#23
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 9,576 Karma: 64960983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	Why do all astronauts use a Mac? Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

06-04-2023, 06:39 PM	#24
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 9,576 Karma: 64960983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	I asked Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri said "Yes, it is, and don't call me Shirley." I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

06-04-2023, 08:43 PM	#25
afv011 Captain Penguin Posts: 2,950 Karma: 2079575093 Join Date: May 2009 Location: Vancouver, BC Device: Kobo Libra 2, Nook Glowlight	A neutron enters a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "for you, no charge".

06-04-2023, 10:20 PM	#26
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 40,603 Karma: 157444382 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?" The rabbit says, "Dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect."

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06-07-2023, 04:46 PM	#27
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 9,576 Karma: 64960983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	My friend called me while I was being robbed at gunpoint. I told them I was a bit held up at the moment.

06-07-2023, 05:08 PM	#28
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 40,603 Karma: 157444382 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	An attorney once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. "Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

06-07-2023, 09:30 PM	#30
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 9,576 Karma: 64960983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	What chord do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.