06-05-2014, 07:05 PM | #241 | |
Zealot
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Quote:
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06-08-2014, 01:09 PM | #242 | |
Wizard
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Cutting It Fine - v1.6
Quote:
I made all three of your specific changes, Jim, including a new paragraph instead of the pickled onions one. Thanks again. Spoiler:
Graham |
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06-08-2014, 01:25 PM | #243 | |
Wizard
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Quote:
The ending really worked for me this time, even though I've read this over and over again now. I got a real punch in the stomach and watery eyes. Much tighter and much more powerful. I've got just one line edit comment: Spoiler:
Graham |
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06-08-2014, 01:38 PM | #244 |
Wizard
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06-08-2014, 01:50 PM | #245 | |
Wizard
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Planting the Flag - v1.5
Thanks Jim.
I've also uploaded a new version of Planting The Flag, again, hopefully the final one. I've put back in the controversial exclamation point as, hey, I like it. More importantly I've changed the opening paragraphs to give me what I hope is a much more punchy and intriguing opening line. To save you having to download the whole thing again... here's the new opening: Quote:
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06-08-2014, 02:06 PM | #246 |
Wizard
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"The Mate worried that the Geologist would have no face."
I know that she's worried about the geologist's lack of a face and how that would affect the mission, but this sentence also might imply that she was worried that it might have lost its face in the incident. It's the "would have." As if she was about to discover whether it did. Maybe something like: The Mate worried that the Geologist had no face. I like the exclamation point too. It's not hard to see why it's there. Jim |
06-08-2014, 02:12 PM | #247 | |
Wizard
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I don't think that she's sure until she opens the box what this model's face looks like. But I'll mull that overnight. Funnily enough, 'had no face' is what I originally dreamed up. It's a tricky one. 'Would have' gives the sentence forward movement, it sets up an expectation that needs to be resolved. 'Had no' is more emphatic. It's a statement and doesn't push the reader on to the next paragraph. Graham |
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06-08-2014, 03:35 PM | #248 |
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It works if she doesn't know, but how likely is that?
Jim |
06-08-2014, 03:42 PM | #249 |
Wizard
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The Captain clearly knows, and the Mate must have a fair idea. It's more to do with the feel of the sentence and the way it propels the opening.
We know the story now, of course. It would be interesting to get a reaction to the line from someone who hasn't read it before. Graham |
06-08-2014, 05:10 PM | #250 |
Wizard
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Echoes fade. Cricket chirping. Lonely tumbleweed rolls down the street.-)
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09-15-2014, 02:42 PM | #251 |
Grand Sorcerer
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Dear participants,
Please make a backup of your stories that are in the shared Dropbox folder. I have encountered a problem with my Dropbox account. The program has created a \Dropbox\Dropbox\Dropbox\Dropbox..... hierarchy, with files in each and every folder. I'm going to look for the newest versions of my (admittedly, very few) files, and then reinitialize my account. The people who have stories in the shared folder are: arjaybe gmw Graham MrMarlowe And obviously, myself. Please post in this thread after you have backed up your stories. Thanks in advance |
09-15-2014, 04:32 PM | #252 |
Wizard
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All good here.
rjb |
09-15-2014, 05:49 PM | #253 |
Wizard
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No problem for me, all backed up locally.
Graham |
09-15-2014, 06:40 PM | #254 |
Grand Sorcerer
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OK, thanks
Only gmw and MrMarlowe to go |
09-15-2014, 09:43 PM | #255 |
cacoethes scribendi
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I already have everything locally. Good to go.
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