Unutterably Silly Terrible Jokes

[afv011]

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked, or with pajamazon?

[DNSB]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. 'Just Released - New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make - available now!'

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

[DNSB]

My spouse is the do-it-yourself type. I asked them to take out the garbage and they said, "do it yourself."

[guanaco]

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

[ownedbycats]

What did the lady do when a lemon tree fell on her cat?

Nothing. She just stood there with a sour puss.

[DNSB]

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry...

[DNSB]

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake—which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

[ownedbycats]

                     *  Exported from  MasterCook  *
 
                               Elephant Stew
 
 Recipe By     : Glenellyn Elder
 Serving Size  : 999  Preparation Time :999:0
 Categories    : 
   Amount  Measure       Ingredient -- Preparation Method
 --------  ------------  --------------------------------
    1      large         elephant
                         plenty of brown gravy
                         salt & pepper to taste
    2      whole         rabbits -- optional
 
   Cut elephant into bite-size pieces (allow about 2 months to do this).  Hold
 aside trunk, you can use it to store the pieces.
   Put elephant in large (very large) pot; add enough gravy to cover.  Cook over
 kerosene fire at 450 degrees for about 4 weeks, or until golden brown.
   Serves 3,800.  If more guest are expected, 2 rabbits may be added.  However,
 this should be done only if absolutely necessary.  Most people do not like to
 find hare in their stew.
 
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[DNSB]

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

[Sirtel]

Originally Posted by DNSB

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

[DNSB]

Why was the worker fired from the frozen juice company?

They couldn't concentrate.

[ownedbycats]

I have a horse named Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.

[DNSB]

Did you hear about the salesperson who sold freezers over the phone?
They mostly did cold calls....

[ownedbycats]

Waiter: Comfortable, sir?
Customer: No, no.... comeforfood.

[PeterT]

Originally Posted by ownedbycats

Waiter: Comfortable, sir?
Customer: No, no.... comeforfood.

I can see Manuel in Fawlty Towers saying this.