Unutterably Silly Terrible Jokes

[neil_swann80]

How does the wrestler "The Rock" go to the toilet? He Dwaynes his Johnson.

[DNSB]

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station. The mechanic looks up and says “Looks like you blew a seal.”

“No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”

[DNSB]

Why do people love Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. Unlike Canada’s, which I could take or leaf.

[ownedbycats]

"What are your dog's names?"

"Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

"They're Boxers."

[DNSB]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

"The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. "

"You must be in IT", says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone!"

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[ownedbycats]

Originally Posted by DNSB

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

"The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. "

"You must be in IT", says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone!"

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

There's a missing 'full of hot air' in the punchline there

[DNSB]

How can you tell when they are monitoring your computer?

The power is on and you’re connected to the internet.

[neil_swann80]

Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.

[DNSB]

Today I opened a new online account, I always use the same password: "cabbage". It's easy to remember. But it seems the computer had other plans...

Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon't GiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour ArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow”

Sorry, that password is already in use!

[j.p.s]

Wasn't the least bit funny until the punch line, at which point it became hillarious. (But a little disapointed that a complaint about "too long" wasn't present.)

[DNSB]

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheesemonger's shop in Paree,
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

[ownedbycats]

Have you ever heard the rumours about butter?

Don't worry, I'm not going to spread it.

[DNSB]

A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types "mypenis".
As he hits "enter" to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT - ACCESS DENIED!

[ownedbycats]

"Do you want to hear a joke about a parking ticket?"

"No."

"Fine."

[DNSB]

How do you measure the quality of my puns? A sighsmograph!