06-02-2010, 12:07 AM | #1 |
Junior Member
Posts: 7
Karma: 106
Join Date: Jun 2010
Device: kindle
|
Litigious Vampire Sues Government
Local Vampire Sues US Government Vamp Claims Government Promotion of Healthy Diet Contributed to Bite Vampire Daily (VD) – The attorney for Greguleze, a local vampire, has announced a lawsuit against the Federal Government. Michael B. Chaser, aka M. Bulanse Chaser, attorney for Greguleze, alleges in the lawsuit that since the government started promoting oatmeal as a healthy alternative to bacon and eggs, vampire induced punctures (VIPs) have increased fifty-four percent. According to Chaser, “since the government initiated its ‘oatmeal – it only looks like gruel’ campaign, parents have been denying children cholesterol rich traditional bacon and eggs breakfast, thereby making them more enticing to biters. Government lawyers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, are confident they will win. “There is no merit to this lawsuit” said one. “There is no precedent. Government has never been held liable, or for that matter, accountable, for any consequence of its actions. Regretfully, this young man was bitten. And while government actions likely contributed to it, he’s not collecting one red cent from us. Bottom line: we are the government and we know what’s best. If you don’t like it, you can kiss our asses!” The case has divided the country along political lines. Longtime leader of the Humans Against Ghouls (HAG) party, Keelumal Wifstakes, is sounding off. “Last year we had 39,000 reported biters. This year, we’re over 60,000. If these trends continue, Vamps soon will outnumber humans. We’re marching into their enclave Sunday, ready for a fight.” When VD pointed out that his planned march was scheduled to end at 2 in the afternoon, he asked “what’s your point?” Lettum Bytuzal, House Leader and spokeswoman for the Let Them Have Blood (LTHB) party insists the problem isn’t as bad as the other side makes it out to be. “Last year, only 60,000 biters were reported. In the grand scheme of things, that’s only like, something less than a hundred percent of the total biter population. If we can keep it at these levels, uninfected humans will outnumber Vamps forever. When someone pointed out that 54% year-over-year increases in biters would render humans extinct in less than 50 years, she asked “what’s your point?” Tensions have been running high since Congress recently passed the Blood for Underprivileged Monsters (BUM) act, mandating that every able-bodied American either give blood to please the tastes of Monsters or face a fine. Bytuzal defended BUM and the oatmeal campaign, declaring “it is immoral to deny any race nourishment. It is not the vampires’ fault. They need to eat. Humanity is at fault for possessing blood vamps enjoy so. We have an obligation to ensure all blood is healthy as possible.” “Ludicrous,” said Keelumal. “If they need blood, let them get it the old fashioned way. Humans don’t want Government ordering them to give blood. And they certainly don’t want the government telling them to eat healthy so when they’re attacked, their attackers will be getting the best possible blood. Myself, I’m eatin’ a jar of grease when this interview’s over. We need to repeal this law and keep Government off of our kitchen tables.” Polling shows a full 91% want the government to repeal the law. The other 9% are teenage girls. Meanwhile, nearly half of the world’s 600,000 vampires polled say they are unhappy with their leadership. A full 38% cited lack of pure human blood as the reason Supreme Elder Ovula is suffering her lowest popularity ever. They blame Ovula’s decision to sign the Common Respect for Animals and People (CRAP) treaty fifty years ago for their problems. That treaty called for vamps to drink a blood mixture from cows, pigs and humans. They insist their race is being systematically forced to change their tastes. One vamp said “Why drink the CPH when I can have vitamin B? VD caught up with Greguleze, who agreed to sit down with us on the condition we dropped the “uleze” off the end of his name. Said Greg, “I don’t like the name. Before I was bitten, I was Greg." We will bring that interview to you in our next edition. Last edited by Jameswudz; 06-02-2010 at 02:18 AM. |
06-02-2010, 12:50 AM | #2 |
Maratus speciosus butt
Posts: 3,292
Karma: 1162698
Join Date: Sep 2009
Device: PRS-350
|
Okay, shall we officially elect this the Weirdest First Post Evah?
|
Advert | |
|
06-02-2010, 12:56 AM | #3 |
Junior Member
Posts: 7
Karma: 106
Join Date: Jun 2010
Device: kindle
|
That's exactly what I was going for!
|
06-02-2010, 01:03 AM | #4 |
Professional Adventuress
Posts: 13,368
Karma: 50260224
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!)
Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle
|
it probably belongs in the Llounge and not here
|
06-02-2010, 01:11 AM | #5 |
Junior Member
Posts: 7
Karma: 106
Join Date: Jun 2010
Device: kindle
|
Kitten, can I take it there? Or do I ask a moderator?
|
Advert | |
|
06-02-2010, 01:15 AM | #6 |
Curmudgeon
Posts: 3,085
Karma: 722357
Join Date: Feb 2010
Device: PRS-505
|
More than "probably", I think.
And dude, remember that first impressions are lasting. Your first impression, at least with me, is that you're about 14, your family and friends tell you how "creative" and "special" you are, you think (quite wrongly) that the adult world is just waiting for you to "stir things up", and you're looking for attention. Any or all of this might not be right, of course, but that's the impression I got from your post. Seriously, when you spam up the ebook/reader/industry general discussion thread with some off-topic and juvenile ... stuff ... about vampires and breakfast, instead of introducing yourself on the "Introduce Yourself" board, or posting your strange stuff in the Lounge, how do you expect people to react? "Oh, wow, he's so kewl, he breaks the rules! That's just sooooo awesome!" Sorry, this is an adult forum (even if some of our members are not chronologically adults) and that's not admirable, it's just disruptive. You are not getting the kind of attention that you want. Your relationship with the MobileRead forums is not really getting off to a good start. |
06-02-2010, 01:30 AM | #7 |
Curmudgeon
Posts: 3,085
Karma: 722357
Join Date: Feb 2010
Device: PRS-505
|
Ah, good, it's moved. Thanks, mods!
|
06-02-2010, 01:30 AM | #8 | |
Junior Member
Posts: 7
Karma: 106
Join Date: Jun 2010
Device: kindle
|
Quote:
Last edited by Jameswudz; 06-02-2010 at 01:38 AM. |
|
06-02-2010, 01:33 AM | #9 |
Grand Sorcerer
Posts: 10,155
Karma: 4632658
Join Date: Nov 2007
Device: none
|
Hello Jameswudz,
As you will note, I have moved this thread to The Lounge (<---linky), where it would probably best sit, unless you wanted feedback on your creativity from other writers, in which case I suggest you also check out our Writers' Corner (<---linky). For what it's worth, where you initially posted it - E-Book General (<---linky) is for "general discussions about ebook reading not specific to a device, software or format" (my bolding there), whereas The Lounge (<---linky) is for "friendly banter and discussions unrelated to e-books" (my bolding again - it's quite...eclectic in The Lounge ). Also, can I suggest you pop over to our newcomer place - Introduce Yourself (<---linky) - and perhaps, well, introduce yourself; tell us a bit about yourself, see if anyone brings doughnuts or something (Mmm, doughnuts)? Welcome. Remember, if you feel you've got off on the wrong foot, well, that's good, because you've got your right foot to counterbalance. Cheers, Marc (with my first Moderator post) |
06-02-2010, 01:52 AM | #10 |
Curmudgeon
Posts: 3,085
Karma: 722357
Join Date: Feb 2010
Device: PRS-505
|
Marc, your avatar scares me.
|
06-02-2010, 01:56 AM | #11 |
Grand Sorcerer
Posts: 10,155
Karma: 4632658
Join Date: Nov 2007
Device: none
|
|
06-02-2010, 02:00 AM | #12 |
I'm watching you!
Posts: 6,113
Karma: 22344652
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sunny Coast Qld, OZ
Device: Sony PRS-900(unused lately) iPadAir2, want me Kindle Oasis
|
Wow! Marc is moderating. Cheers
|
06-02-2010, 04:35 AM | #13 |
Grand Sorcerer
Posts: 9,707
Karma: 32763414
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Krewerd
Device: Pocketbook Inkpad 4 Color; Samsung Galaxy Tab S6
|
|
06-02-2010, 04:40 AM | #14 | |
Grand Sorcerer
Posts: 9,707
Karma: 32763414
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Krewerd
Device: Pocketbook Inkpad 4 Color; Samsung Galaxy Tab S6
|
Quote:
I rather liked the story... I hope there'll be more! (also, try to find an introduction post from me... And sometimes people don't know where to post things. Give him a break!) |
|
06-02-2010, 05:12 AM | #15 |
Chocolate Grasshopper ...
Posts: 27,599
Karma: 20821184
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Scotland
Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW
|
|
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Student sues Amazon after Kindle eats his homework | ahammer | News | 56 | 08-05-2009 06:47 PM |
National Federation of the Blind sues over Kindle TTS | rhadin | News | 14 | 06-27-2009 02:03 PM |
Discovery sues Amazon over Kindle | ghchinoy | Amazon Kindle | 2 | 03-18-2009 11:35 PM |
French publisher sues Google for e-book piracy | Alexander Turcic | News | 0 | 06-06-2006 10:45 PM |
Litigious Bastards... | Colin Dunstan | Lounge | 1 | 06-11-2004 10:18 AM |