03-14-2014, 12:50 AM | #151 | |
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Annie the Dreamer v1.2
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If you're finished with the main changes, do you want line edit suggestions now? |
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03-14-2014, 07:01 AM | #152 |
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Vera's Itch - 1.2
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03-14-2014, 07:17 AM | #153 | |
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When My Father 'Died' - v.1-8
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There are lots of redundant phrases throughout the text. Reiteration and redundancy can be a tool in telling a story, but it should be used deliberately, not accidentally. I'll give a few examples in a moment, but your best option is to look over each sentence on it's own and ask: "Does this add anything?". Then look at each clause in that sentence and ask: "Is this necessary?" I read over that last paragraph and dislike myself, it's too much like advice I've seen spouted without context in many other places. Good stories are full of things are that are not strictly necessary - Lord of the Rings can be cut down to a few sentences. The author's job is to decide what is necessary, what will add to the story they want to tell. And different authors will make different choices. BUT ... the sort of redundancy I am trying to highlight in my examples below relate to details that the reader already knows - either because you've already said it in another way, or because it can be inferred from the context, or because it doesn't really say anything at all. These are the sorts of thing you have watch for and eliminate*. I have not tried to be comprehensive, I've just picked things that stood out in the first few pages. And remember these are examples/opinions only. You are the author and the story must be told in a way that makes you happy. Spoiler:
Once the text reads more cleanly, without always pulling the reader out of the story, it will be easier to see the story for the words. (In case that's not obvious, I'm paraphrasing an old adage: "can't see the wood for the trees"). * It's also really risky giving advice like this. Too often the giver is guilty of these offences too, so it seems like a case of "Don't do what I do, do what I say." Put it down to being able to see faults in others better than we can see faults in ourselves. Last edited by gmw; 03-14-2014 at 07:35 AM. |
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03-14-2014, 07:30 AM | #154 |
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03-14-2014, 07:31 AM | #155 |
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The Day My Father Died
Once the text reads more cleanly?
Marlowe, gmw's comments echo what I mentioned earlier about the length of the story coming down in editing. You've got the shape there now, and the next stage is always fun. I'm always amazed at how much I can take out without changing any of the story. Removing stuff actually makes things stronger. It's going to be interesting to see this at work with your story. Some of that repetition is certainly the Indian vernacular, and should be retained. gmw's advice about looking for redundant phrases is excellent, though, and the first instinct should be to remove things that don't add anything to the story. Graham |
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03-14-2014, 07:41 AM | #156 |
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03-14-2014, 07:42 AM | #157 |
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Spoiler:
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03-14-2014, 07:48 AM | #158 |
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03-14-2014, 07:55 AM | #159 |
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When My Father Died - v1.8
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03-14-2014, 10:23 AM | #160 | |
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Planting the Flag v1.1
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03-14-2014, 10:47 AM | #161 |
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Planting the Flag - 1.1
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03-14-2014, 01:16 PM | #162 |
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Planting the Flag - 1.2
I've uploaded v1.2 of Planting the Flag.
This one feels right to me now, and I'm happy to receive line edit comments. Graham |
03-14-2014, 01:31 PM | #163 |
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03-14-2014, 04:22 PM | #164 |
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Vera's Itch
v1.2
You took care of the doorman's alcove nicely. Something about the "Gavin sat on the sofa . . . the woman and the apartment." paragraph bothers me. That's a lot of things to say in one paragraph. I think you can say them all, but it feels awkward as is. The glass snorting works well now. Spoiler:
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03-14-2014, 04:50 PM | #165 |
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Planting the Flag
v1.2
Not much. Spoiler:
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