Unutterably Silly Terrible Jokes

[DNSB]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

[ownedbycats]

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people. At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There's never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week's time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn't care that he can't drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana.

When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he'd like for his last meal.

"A single banana," he says.

"Oh, no you don't, you son of a bitch. We're on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you're not escaping this time!" The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

"Did you give him the banana?" demands the head guard.

"No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn't give it to him, we swear!" says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

[DNSB]

Once there was a young girl named Aubree. Aubree was spoiled rotten. She got everything she ever asked for. One day, Aubree asked her mom for a unicorn. Here is the problem. Those aren’t real. So her mom had to figure something out.

Her mom spent days trying to figure out what to do. She didn’t sleep for days because she was trying to make her daughter happy. “I could get a horse with a cone? I could tell her no?” She thought.

She couldn’t figure it out. Now back to Aubree. Aubree lived in a cul-de-sac. In the middle of the circle, there was a tree. It was off limits for being dangerous. But of course, she went anyway. She always climbed to the top of the tree, and showed off to everyone that she was up there.

On aubree’s 11th birthday, she woke up and started opening her mountain of presents. A go kart, TV, money. She got anything you a think of. Just as she thought it was over, she heard footsteps. She turned around and there it was. A unicorn.

She was so happy. She screamed so loud and ran to the tree. She climbed to the top and screamed, “I GOT A UNICORN!!!!”

In the middle of her gloating, the branch of the tree snapped. Aubree came crashing down. Then she hit the ground. Everything went dark.

When she woke up, she was in a hospital bed. She was feeling dizzy. Lots of people were surrounding her, but to her it was all a blur.

When she finally snapped back to reality, everyone was gone and it was dark out. She was scared, but she decided to go back to sleep.

She woke up to the sound of her name being called. As her eyes pried open, she saw her mom peering over her, so close their noses were practically touching. Her mom was so happy that she was ok.

A few hours later, she was on her way home when her mother’s phone went off.

“Yeah”

“For Aubree?”

“I’ll give it to her now”

Her mother handed her the phone and she heard her friend’s voice.

“Oh my goodness! Aubree? Are you ok?” Her friend cried.

Aubree couldn’t speak because of the damage. So she just sat there. Her mother took the phone.

Aubree still hadn’t forgotten the reason she was there. Because of her unicorn. She was still spoiled. And she was still bragging. When she got home, the unicorn was nowhere to be found. She went around everywhere looking for it.

As she got outside she saw the tree. There was yellow tape around it. When she saw it she felt sick to her stomach. She turned around. She spent hours looking for her unicorn. It was midnight when she started in her way home. Unicornless. She was devastated. But she knew her mom would buy her a new unicorn. She was a few blocks from her house when she got hit by a car and died.

Moral of the story. Watch where you are going.

[ownedbycats]

People who can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology bug me in ways that I cannot put into words.

[DNSB]

My local Renaissance Festival is casting Knights tomorrow at 4pm. Be there or be Squire.

[DNSB]

Why don't skeletons like Halloween candy?
They don't have the stomach for it!

[afv011]

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away their tiny brooms.

[Freeshadow]

if it's Canadian just say pretty please

[DNSB]

From one curler to another: "I swept with your wife".