My 3 star review of
Red : My Autobiography, by Gary Neville :-
Spoiler:
Once upon a time there was a soccer player called Gary Neville. People not having a clue in sports knew him as the best man in David Beckham's wedding. I believe that if Beckham had divorced Victoria Beckham, nee Spice, and had remarried, then Neville would have been David's best man again.
I think I won't do a proper review here. I will just let Nature take its course. I am going to post the definitive companion to this book... a fictitious diary entry not by the man himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday
I'm so excited about tonight I did a wee in the pool today - mum was wrong about the water going purple :-) But I swam next to Philip just in case. Am missing Sir but hopefully the postcards will stop him missing me too much.
Will update later after our glorious win over the cocky French - I shall wipe that smile off silly Robert Pires' face with his silly facial hair. Bet he wishes he had a proper moustache like me. And bet he wishes he plays for the best club in the whole wide world.
Later: Not fair, not fair, not fair. I hate Scousers and I told Mr Eriksson that there's no way they should be allowed to play for us again. Sir would never allow it. I'm calling a meeting tomorrow to propose a strike until only players from the best club in the whole wide world can play for England. And Wayne Rooney. And Sol Campbell. But that's it. Oh and Owen Hargreaves because he gave me a bite of his Curly Wurly.
Monday
Only Philip turned up for the meeting. And that might have been because I had him in an armlock. Everyone else was off with girls - in their rooms kissy-wissing. Yuk. I played ping-pong - but got a bit bored of fetching the ball.
Told the journalists that I wasn't bothered at all about losing to France. Ha. That'll teach them. I'm getting really good at these mind games.
Read Sir's book and felt closer to him somehow.
Tuesday
Mr Eriksson seemed pleased I'd ironed the bibs with my travel iron. Just wait until he sees the embroidery :-)
Took Wayne aside today to give him the benefit of my advice - tell him how I've coped with the pressure of fame and being heralded as one of the most gifted players in Europe. He started laughing - think he was nervous about talking to me. Poor lad. He must pinch himself every day that he's playing alongside David and me.
Wednesday
Am sick with worry - tried to call Sir again and he didn't answer. I tried about 40 times from my mobile and he never answered so went downstairs and called from the hotel phone. He answered after the first ring this time but was cut off when I said 'Hello Sir'. Called Mum but she said she'd seen him on TV so he definitely hadn't been kidnapped. Phew. But there's definitely something wrong.
A small Portuguese child laughed at my moustache, saying his was thicker and more bushy. I held him down and knuckled his head until he said that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world and Paul Scholes' goal against Porto was definitely a goal which means that Porto are poo.
He was right about his moustache though. All the kids here seem to have thicker moustaches than me :-(
Thursday
'...And then Gary Neville, with his thick and bushy moutache, caps a man-of-the-match performance with the cross for England's third which is bundled somewhat luckily home by a fortunate Scouser. Can anyone stop Gary Neville? Surely there is no player in Europe to match Neville. We can hear the crowd chanting his name - everyone's hero Gary Neville...'
Can't wait to see the newspapers tomorrow. I can see the headlines now - 'Golden Gary Makes Swiss Roll' or just 'Nev-Mania!'. Sir (and Mum) will be so proud.
Friday
Roo-mania, Roon Army, Wayne's World - I shouldn't have had that chat with him on Tuesday.
Saturday
It's mine and David's anniversary today! Have been walking around with a big smile all day. I left a little teddy on his bed with a note with the lyrics of 'our' song (Come on you Reds, come on you Reds, Just keep your bottle and use your heads...). David didn't say anything in front of the other lads because they'd get jealous. But he gave me a special smile - though the silly love-sick waitress who was walking in front of me clearly thought it was for her! Loooooser.
I can't believe it's been eight years since he first called me 'Gazza'.
Sunday
Father's Day so tried to call Sir. And then tried again. And again. No luck (though I heard Butty call someone 'Alex' on the phone?!) so called Mum and asked her to ask Dad if he would pop round to Sir's with a card.
Played pool this afternoon and I beat Philip 10-0 because I am the greatest. Philip wasn't actually there but I played left-handed every time it was his turn. And he was rubbish! Ha ha ha. Gazza is the greatest.
Excited about tomorrow. But annoyed that Mr Eriksson says Butty's injury means that he can't replace Frank Lamppost. He said something in Swedish. Think it must have been 'Good luck'.
Monday
David was brilliant tonight against Croatia. I bet everyone back home is so proud of him. And me. I was brilliant too. Portugal must have been scared watching us together. Beckham and Neville. David and Gary (how cool does that sound? Much better than 'David and Victoria' anyway). Scholesy was also great but I bet Roonaldo (yeah right, as if he's as good as our Ronaldo) gets all the headlines again for two lucky finishes. It's only because everyone hates Man United. And we all know why they hate Man United don't we? J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.
The only thing that spoiled tonight was that Philip came on for the last six minutes. Somehow he managed not to ruin everything completely.
Tuesday
Boring day - everyone went to play golf and forgot to tell me (again) - so have put together Gary Neville's Team Of Euro 2004. Here we go...
GK: Fabien Barthez.
RB: Gary Neville (he's been brilliant)
CB: Jaap Stam (I won't show this to Sir)
CB: Sol Campbell
LB: Mikael Silvestre (solid)
RM: David Beckham (brilliant)
CM: Paul Scholes
CM: Nicky Butt (looked excellent in training)
LM: The Real Ronaldo
CF: Louis Saha
CF: Ruud van Nistelrooy (brilliant)
Am happy with this apart from Sol. He's the weak link and is only there because of the FA's victimisation of Rio. But I still think this team would win the whole thing.
Wednesday
Sent another postcard to Sir as I'm sure I won't see him for another 12 days - and by then we will be European champions again ;-) Is not the same without the other guys and am still a bit angry with Mr Eriksson that he did not bring Giggsy. But he says I can't threaten another strike after I got my way about the lumpy beds. And the supposed Branston's pickle that was just a cheap imitation. Still fuming about that now.
Am trying to spare a thought for little Ronaldo though. He will no doubt be brilliant against us but will be on the losing side. I will make a special effort to find him after the game and console him.
Thursday
Up Urs Meier - you cheating, weaselly nincompoop. This Swiss cuckoo (ha) got the biggest decision of his life absolutely wrong and we lost because of him. Because we - and especially me and David and excepting Phil - were absolutely brilliant against Portugal and deserved to win by miles. But he got it all wrong. I still can't believe he booked me. There'll be a fuss about that in the papers tomorrow.
Gave Darius Vaseline (ha) a Chinese burn after the match. He said David missed too but everyone could see that was the fault of the pitch and anyway, David is brilliant, so there.
There's only one good thing to come out of all this: I'll see Sir soon.