Silliness Terrible Jokes - Page 27

ownedbycats · 04-26-2024, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

Why did the strawberry cry?
He found himself in a jam.

Fruit truck overturns, jams highway.

DNSB · 04-26-2024, 10:03 PM

A man was marooned on a desert island.
One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

Freeshadow · 04-27-2024, 07:33 PM

How do you call the afterlife place of cats?

The purrgatory.

DNSB · 04-27-2024, 08:04 PM

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

ownedbycats · 04-27-2024, 08:09 PM

I've heard one country is considering switching their locomotives to biofuel. If they do, they can make the trains run on thyme!

DNSB · 04-27-2024, 08:11 PM

What do you call a wolf who works as a lumberjack?

A timber wolf.

ownedbycats · 04-27-2024, 08:12 PM

Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

DNSB · 04-27-2024, 08:28 PM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

ownedbycats · Today, 12:43 AM

I have a geography joke, but I don't know where it is.

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04-26-2024, 10:03 PM	#392
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,690 Karma: 145624990 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

04-27-2024, 07:33 PM	#393
Freeshadow temp. out of service Posts: 2,793 Karma: 24285242 Join Date: May 2010 Location: Duisburg (DE) Device: PB 623	How do you call the afterlife place of cats? The purrgatory.

04-27-2024, 08:04 PM	#394
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,690 Karma: 145624990 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

04-27-2024, 08:09 PM	#395
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 8,678 Karma: 61664305 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	I've heard one country is considering switching their locomotives to biofuel. If they do, they can make the trains run on thyme!

04-27-2024, 08:11 PM	#396
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,690 Karma: 145624990 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	What do you call a wolf who works as a lumberjack? A timber wolf.

04-27-2024, 08:12 PM	#397
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 8,678 Karma: 61664305 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

04-27-2024, 08:28 PM	#398
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,690 Karma: 145624990 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Today, 12:43 AM	#399
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 8,678 Karma: 61664305 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	I have a geography joke, but I don't know where it is.